LIOG…My vibrator is my BFF

Since my senior year in college, I’ve been on the alert and ready for this inevitable moment. The moment in which I am talking about…THE WEDDING AND BABY PHOTOS ON INSTAGRAM!  Recently, I am constantly reminded that my friends are either getting married, expecting a child or taking adorable family vacation photos. This is definitely a NO HATER ZONE and I am extremely happy for them. But since all my friends are on this journey of love and a family, I have a few family members and friends that are concerned about my progress to finding love. I am absolutely content with my current status of being single. But apparently being 23 and single is a step close to being a 40yr old cat lady. The concern, I don’t mind because I can only assume it comes from their love for me. But the constant reminder of my singleness is what I don’t need. I don’t need it from my family! I don’t need it from my friends! And I shit sure don’t need it from a stranger!

My mom always, always, always talks about being married for 40 years and how she found the love of her life when she was just 20 years old. Its awesome that my parents marriage survived for 40 years but it was different time. In the telling of her fairytale story she completely avoids the fact that she was pregnant out of wedlock and my grandma was not about to let that happen while she was alive. So dad pulled up his big boy pants and took one for the team. God bless his soul because 40 years surely wasn’t a cake walk. My mom does not understand that their is a current fuckboy pandemic.

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If my dad was a 2015 guy, he would definitely just settle for the option of child support. And I am not saying all guys are like this, but its so hard to differentiate the good ones from the bad ones. So whenever my mom complains about not getting grandbabies, I pretty much just entertain her and her concerns.

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But the family conversation that really surprised me came from my aunt. She sat me down intervention style and tried to figure out my sexual orientation. Whether I liked males or females, it wouldn’t change the fact that I was still single. So that made the conversation super awkward. I told her about my failed relationships and this was her exact reaction. ‘Sometimes you might not be attracted to guys,  I know you went to an all girls school’. She said this directly after I told her about my heartbreaks, she arrived at the conclusion that I’m possibly a lesbian. *rolls my eyes* At this point my inner thoughts are like, “you know auntie you are right, I am responsible for all my failed relationships. And for my sexuality, check me under asexual since my longest relationship has been with my vibrator“. I love my family but I don’t need this!

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But the one that topped the cake, happened today. So I went to the post office and bumped into this guy from church that I haven’t seen in forever. We are practically strangers since I don’t really know him that well. So having a small chit chat, the typical hi how are you? Right off the bat this guy asks if I am married.

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I have on no engagement ring or wedding ring so I have no idea why he would ask me that question. So of course, I said no. He then asks if I am single. And I reply yes. He then goes ‘why?!’. At this point I am slightly annoyed and haven’t seen this guy in over ten years and would like him to lay off the personal questions. My inner thoughts would like to say ‘why don’t you ask my untouched vagina?!’ But I simply replied I don’t know. Before the conversation got any more awkward I just ended it and left. My friend said I overreacted to the situation but I don’t think its appropriate to ask that question especially since we don’t even have acquaintance status. He’s like a complete stranger and I don’t think I should have to justify my current relationship status to him.

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I just need everyone to let me be. So I am not at that lovey dovey stage where all my friends are at, I am okay. My time will come and until then I’m genuinely fine.

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