When I started writing this blog, I promised myself that I would write a post possibly once a week. My blog was suppose to be an outlet to keep my sanity and share my life experiences with the hopes of finding people who related with me. But I’ve been gone for weeks. I’ve definitely been busy and I don’t have writer’s block or a lack of stories. But I was just caught up in deep reflections of my inner thoughts. And don’t worry I will definitely share the stories that happened in the past 3 weeks; the awkward bowling alley trip with a ex-boyfriend, strip club & partying with Cos, Auntie Donna’s 50th Birthday Party and Jamaica adventures with my sister. All stories I plan to share. (For anyone that actually read my posts I am sorry but I am back!)
But I need to get this off my chest. For the past few weeks, I’ve been living in a daze. I can feel life moving around me while I feel like I was in a static state of being. Don’t worry, I self diagnosed myself with good ole’ Google and I was depressed. To be honest I don’t even know what I was depressed about to be bombarded with the thoughts I am about to share. I figured it was just mother nature messing with my emotions lol. Its weird, I know I was depressed but I was going about my daily routine interacting with others and having fun. But the life I was living just felt insignificant, I felt like there had to be more to what I am doing. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I convinced myself that I am almost 24 and my life feels unstable and I was hoping there would be some continuity or constant. You can say I had like a break in reality because I began to compare my life with others and found it hard to see my future ahead.
Last week, I went to dinner with my parents and sister and though I am around the table laughing and telling jokes. (I am the life of a party). I am lost in my thoughts thinking about how fragile life is. One minute its there and the next its gone. Very macabre thoughts, I know. And I sat thinking what really sparked these thoughts.
When I was 6yrs old, I watched as life left my grandma’s body. If I close my eyes now, I can still remember the heaving of her chest as she grasps for her final breaths of life. My grandma whose hands always had the warmest touch, felt ice cold. No one else in the room with me, as I stood over my grandma’s corpse. Emotionless and unresponsive for days. After witnessing that I was never afraid to die. My parents had already shoved the idea of the afterlife and heaven. I figured grandma was in heaven possibly sipping margaritas. But I realized that I was too complacent about the inevitable. I want to fight for something or someone if placed in a position where my life hung on a string. I want a strong will and I want to know that my life is worth fight for.
Past week, the media showed Lamar Odom fighting for his life. Reported organ failures which made it seem like everything was grim. And it made me think, all this time they ostracized him as a ‘crackhead’ but now everyone has something good to say about him. Its really sad when I think about it. So this incident only further fueled the emotions I have been feeling. I spend all this time on social media, I am definitely not famous. But I wanted to remove myself and see if I had any effect.
But the world went on just as if I was another life that left this Earth. Of course this was just what I needed to wake me out of my funk. I was spending all this time worrying about what would happen if I no longer existed when I should have been focused on just living my life. Not the lives of others but my own life.Living in the moments. I was afraid of living an unlived life when all I need to do is live.
On a real note, many people face depression and not many people handle it well You are never alone in the world, even if you think you are remember there are over 7 billion people on the Earth. Talk to someone when you realize that you are drowning in the darkness.