Thrown out into the world; impressionable and wide eyed. A freshman in college with hopes and dreams to be a doctor. But then you entered with that devilish smile that made my knees go weak. I knew you were lethal. I knew better to stay far away, you were thirty-six and I was eighteen. But you were giving that attention that drew me in like a moth to a flame. It must have been those pearly whites because I was blinded by the obvious. I was in a vat of toxic waste thinking I was in a field of daisies. You were intoxicating and I took you in like my own personal drug. Deep in my sub-conscious I knew you were wrong, I introduced you to only two of my friends. You were my secret and needed to keep you for myself. Your words were like honey, I believed everything you said; I was your loyal puppy. We went out only at nights and I wondered if you were ashamed of me. I started dressing differently. Short dresses. Long nails. Hair extensions. Trying to age myself so you wouldn’t be ashamed. My friends began seeing me less. Many cancelled road trips, lunch dates and frat parties. Not what I expected my first year in college to be like. My priorities were all messed up and I only have myself to blame.
Then you lied! You told me the biggest lie…”I love you”… My hopes and dreams now altered and I could see only you in my life. I wanted you to have me and every inch of me. My change had stripped away my innocence and you took the last bit of it in the most unromantic way. I thought ‘how spontaneous, he must really want me’, as you took the last of my innocence on a rickety table in your garage. The feeling of rusty nails piercing in my bare back as you ploughed hard and fast inside me for two minutes. Tears rolled down my face but you didn’t care. You were selfish and greedy. Emotions of confusion rolled from my body. Should I be feeling this blow of regret. I sat in the shower and cried, I convinced myself we had a future together. I was living in a delusion but reality was bursting at the door.
Three weeks had passed but you had changed. You were distant and cold. ‘Was it me?’. ‘Was there someone else?’. ‘Were you done with me?’. The negative thoughts rolled in like a broken flood gate. But still I was captivated by that smile and did my best to keep you happy. But you broke me; my self-esteem, my pride and my self-respect. One man, shattered my being into a thousand pieces. Pieces I am still trying to mend.
My friends begged and pleaded for me to get out. They gave me an ultimatum… YOU or THEM?. Anger ensued me. ‘How could they ask that of me. I am in love. They are all just jealous.’ How deluded I was, because you put your hands on me. I thought you loved me. Shock and disbelief poured from my body as I sat on the floor staring at the bruise I had gotten from falling onto the coffee table. Your eyes looked at me with darkness, silently reassuring me that I deserved this. But you loved me. How could you hurt the person you love. My brain unable to process words but my body in survival mode tried to get out. You called out to me and I came back. Why didn’t you just let me leave. You are a SELFISH BASTARD! You filled my head with more lies. So I stayed and thought all was forgiven. It only got worse. I felt trapped. I no longer feared that I would lose you but the harm you would inflict on me if I left. Sleep was a distant memory as the nightmares rolled in. I was an empty shell.
But I had finally had enough!
You and your homeboys were making a mess and playing videogames, while I tried to finish a paper. I asked you to be quiet. But I must have offended you. Within seconds your hands were grasped tightly around my neck. I closed my eyes thinking this was the end as I slowly slipped into unconsciousness. I must have had a guardian angel because you were passed out on the floor. “Leave Now! ” the friend shouted as I was in a daze trying to pack my belongings. I stepped through the door and I ran. I heard my name being shouted from a distant but I didn’t look back. I ran as fast as I could. Tears fell from my face as I knew I was finally free.
You were my Lotus-Eater. Like Odysseus I was able to free myself from your clutches.
[If you are in an abusive relationship please get out before its too late. A person that loves you will never hurt you.]