Sometimes I miss the simple life of childhood. Juice boxes, naps, free food and zero bills. But life is a constant cycle. We grow up and that comes with all sorts of responsibilities and adversities. Adulthood forces one to have ups and downs and to be honest I am shit scared of all the downs that enter in my life. Nobody wants to be a complete fuck up but I feel like my mistakes and decisions will allow me to grow as a person. Life isn’t suppose to be easy and I am at this point where I understand that I will have rough patches. Things wont always go my way.
As a kid, I was secretly always just angry. The feeling of not achieving and the guilt of disappointing was my anger. I was angry every time I failed at something. Angry that all the efforts and energy I put into something would never amount or be enough. Angry at the countless times I’ve been faced with rejection. This part of me I was always very good at concealing. Trying to laugh it off and say I’ll get it next time. I am and will always be the optimist but the anger tends to consume me. This anger I use to fuel my drive and will to never give up. This ongoing conflict I battle with myself forces me to surround myself with supportive and motivational people. Negative energy messes with my aura and I don’t like the feeling of being depressed. However, the person that’s suppose to be my biggest supporter really cut me deep today.
This morning my mom tried to give me a real heart to heart but everything that came out her mouth was just back to back insults. She spoke about normal things all moms are concerned about; getting my masters degree, my job, finances, single and living alone, starting a family etc. The entire conversation left me feeling inadequate as I am fast approaching my 24th birthday. The constant comparison with others that are stable with their own lives and my current life was not what I needed to hear in the morning. That’s something I hate the most! I am my own person so I hate to be compared with someone else. That automatically puts me on the defensive while my mother takes this as some queue that she should up the insults. These conversations usually leave me angry…but today that anger wasn’t present. Its a new feel of sadness. Its one thing to feel disappointed in myself but my mom had made me feel like I was letting her down. The end of the conversation made me numb, ensure whether to cry, be angry or depressed. But I do what I do best when I need to keep my emotions in check…Listen to Music! I started playing Usher’s Confession album. I don’t even know what made me choose Usher but it was just what I needed to compose myself. I analyzed everything my mom said even though it hurt like hell to replay her words in my head. I know she said everything because she loves me. So I took initiative with my life. I wrote myself a five year plan for my financial situation and what I hope to accomplish. My five year plan was never written to be static but as a template because I always welcome change with open arms. Life opens many doors of opportunities that I know I am willing to take the risk and try. As for my love life, I am happy and wish my mom would realize that. Love comes when I least expect it and I patiently wait for the day. So she really need to lay of this need for grandchildren, and go pester my siblings. While I am at this crossroad in my life, I can only hope that things will fall into place. But its life and shit happens. BUT ITS MY LIFE and I am strong enough to take the reigns and guide it on the right path. I just need my supporters not lose faith in my decisions and just keep motivating me. I only have one life and I have to live it for myself and not for anyone.