Has anyone ever had this overwhelming feeling of impending loss? This unnerving feeling that something was wrong with a friend or family member? This feeling that death is on the horizon? I have definitely experienced all of the above. I just get this looming feeling that something is wrong with a loved one. Its sort of creepy. I have to be close to the person for me to get that eerie vibe. My body either gets really panicky (like waiting for a tsunami impact) or I feel this crushing weight on my body (like I’m trapped in a confined space). Now, I only brought this up because a friend of mine passed away today and I woke up with that latter feeling and it’s like I sensed someone I knew had passed away. And its not like an intuition. You know that feeling that you shouldn’t drive with a drunk friend because the obvious consequence that could result from your decision. Its almost like a sixth sense because I cant explain this feeling. Since my grandma passed away I could always sense impending disaster of someone close to me.
You know in the movies when a person dies and miraculously comes back to life. And they get some unexplained abilities. My crazy ass is beginning to believe the movies were right. Now, I know you are thinking this girl is straight crazy! I honestly, don’t blame you. But this feeling I’ve always had is very unnerving and I don’t really know how else to explain it.
When I was 5, my grandma saved me. Now, I said saved me because I am not sure if I drowned, just lost consciousness or a miracle happened that day. I have no recollection of the incident, actually like zero memory of the entire day. When I was really small, my family would have a yearly beach trip. Since my accident, they killed that tradition. My mom said that we were all at Dunn’s River Falls in Jamaica and I was climbing the falls with my gram and my brother. My gram was holding my brother’s hand and my brother was holding my hand. Something happened and I lost grip of my brother’s hand and fell backwards and knocked my head on the rocks and submerged underwater. You would think I would have a water phobia after that experience but I love everything about being in the water. As I said, I don’t even remember that day. They said I was unconscious for a few minutes as gram resuscitated me.
Since that day I’ve experienced three major deaths in my life. Major because it really fucked with my head and had me questioning the fragility of life.
First death was watching my gram taking her last breath. My gram died two years after my accident and that was the first time I ever lost someone that I cared for and loved. I can tell you it was pretty traumatic as a child for me to watch. She died from diabetic issues. But I always wished that there was something I could do to save her. I always felt guilty for just watching her pass away.
The second death haunts me to this day. One of my best friends in prep school passed away. We were four girls inseparable until this tragic day. Renee, Briana, Nikki and I were extremely close in 2nd-4th grade. Did everything together! It was crazy how close we were. One day, we were playing tag with other kids after school and Renee fell hard on the concrete and bruised her chin and had to get a few stitches on her tongue. Since that accident, I had that panicky feeling. I was always calling to check on her as if I knew something wasn’t right. I will never forget, she came back from the hospital the Saturday and that day I had woken up from a nap in tears. Absolute hysteria! Rambling some crap about the darkness. My mom calmed me down. She told me Renee was home from the hospital. I called her on the house phone (This was house phone days so her number was saved on speed dial). It was a brief phone call but I will never forget. I told her I never wanted to see her bleed again and I cant wait until she came back to school on Monday. We laughed about the incident and she said its the longest we all have ever been apart and that would never happen again. She told me she was drowsy from the medication and was going to take a nap. I told her to call me when she woke up. That was the last time I heard the voice of my friend. She went to sleep and didn’t wake up. When my mom got the call that she passed away I started crying before I was told what happened. I just had that feeling of confinement. Tears still come from my eyes when I think about her death. 😢
The third death happened in college. And it took me by absolute surprise. I knew something bad was going to happen. But I promise you I thought it was my parents. I was calling home regularly that week asking them to be safe on the road. I just had that pith feeling in my heart. Turns out my favorite aunt passed away. She was my biggest motivator and supporter in my life. She believed so much in my dreams. 😔 Another death I could do nothing about. She also passed away in her sleep. Her death slipped me into depression. I was just making dumb decisions after the other that year.
Its crazy! Trust me I know! but its one of those unexplained phenomenon’s. Apart from Renee’s death, I’ve only woken up in one other crying fit when I was younger. And this happened when my brother was going on the road with his friend. I begged him to stay home. I wont forget because I was crying my eyes out. It must have freaked him out because he stayed home that day. Later he found out his friend was in a car accident. The whole impact of the accident was on the passenger side. No doubt that’s where my brother would be sitting. Its creepy. Because how can one sense disaster from a feeling. No visions or premonitions. No crystal ball or tarot cards. I just have this unexplainable and indescribable feeling.