A V O I D A N C E … this nine letter word. This one word that personifies who I am as a person. A word that’s way too familiar and would love to bury in the past of 2015. But as 2016 draws closer I am terrified that this word will creep its way into the new year.
But how do I leave this word behind?! This unhealthy vice of mine that took years to perfect and now consumes my life. I guess I can only blame myself for these feelings I am having. I thought by avoiding the problems in my life, I was somehow making the situation much better. Forgetting that avoiding the problem only leaves me in a temporary state of denial. Now that reality is busting in, I am getting this overwhelming feeling of suffocation. Like my problems have created a tight noose around my neck. And I’m trying my hardest to save myself. But I just don’t know how to handle the impending daggers being thrown at me with what lies in the future. I try my best not to think about it, but I am just avoiding and the problems don’t go away. Which makes getting up in the morning even harder with each passing day.
So what am I avoiding??
Well, the biggest one is the conflict I am having with my parents. I love them to pieces but the negative support I have been receiving recently just makes me so angry. As communication is more suckier than usual and I feel like I am not being respected. I keep telling myself all this is out of love. But this resentment I feel is consuming me. Its easy to forgive the past but the memories leave me feeling so angry. So I would rather avoid any conversation about their disappointment. Last thing I want is a strained relationship with my parents.
I am avoiding the fact that I am possibly starting the new year jobless. Hopefully, this wont be the case because I am already at a breaking point.
I am avoiding the fact that I am not in any form of relationship. Too terrified of getting my heartbroken and running from anything with potential.
I am avoiding the fact that eventually the phrase “I’m fine” has become a constant lie I tell.
I am avoiding the fact that I am at a point in my life where I am truly unhappy. I stay busy and do a lot of fun activities. I hang out with friends and pretend everything is ok. But I am secretly unhappy. I am struggling to find myself in the chaos of my life.
All my problems, place me in a numb state of mind. All my emotions; anger, uncertainty, panic, disappointment and unhappiness. They rush in and I am left feeling nothing but emptiness. This is my void. My escape.
But this escape only provides temporary comfort. With this void comes the darkness. And darkness is never the best resort.
I know what I need to do. I understand my situation as I am not oblivious to it. But I am struggling. Trying to come to terms with my current problems is the biggest obstacle I am trying to overcome. I am wishing that I could just disappear into a dark abyss. But I know that’s not what I need to do. If only there was a reset button. To just start over a fresh. How awesome that would be. But then I wouldn’t be the person I am today without all the struggles I have faced and still will face.
Someone recommended that I should start going back to church. But honestly I am not really rushing to find myself back into a congregation. Its pretty hard to erase the memory of a church official calling me a bad influence based on petty gossip that had circulated. I laugh when I think about it because no one took the time to actually talk to me. People chose to judge me based on the lies. Huge contradiction to what the bible teaches. I already have a low tolerance to bullshit, and though I don’t want this past to influence the present and future, this memory still lingers.
But with what little faith that I do have, I need S T R E N G T H now than ever.
Strength in myself that I will rise above this and succeed in life.
Strength to completely forgive the memories of the past. I am so tired of being angry. Maybe then I will find happiness.
And finally, strength to Escape From the Void.