With the new year rolling in way too fast. I thought why not share some holiday cheer in the form of my awkward moments that I hope will make you laugh. I’ve had a lot of awkward, crazy, and embarrassing things happen to me. I am an awkward magnet lol. And figured if I thought really hard about this year I can pop out my top five (5) awkward moments of 2015.
So here it goes…
FACE SCRATCHES AND THE PRAYER VIGIL
Over the summer, I woke up each morning with fresh scratches on my face. It was like someone had rubbed sandpaper on my face, because it was all red and bruised in the morning. At first, I totally blamed my cats lol. So I kept them out my room for a few days but still woke up with the scratches. Anyways, I casually brought up the scratches to my mom. She started wildin out! Her first response was demon possession. Yes I said demon possession (hyper religious!). By the end of the week, she brings an entire prayer group to my place! Church people walking through my room in the AM! I am not even sure I had brushed my teeth yet. The only thing missing was a burning sage. Embarrassed and pissed! But couldn’t blow up in a rage fit. I would only fuel there conviction that an evil spirit was near. A few weeks past and someone informed me that I scratch my face while sleeping. Plus I had on nails in the summer which perfectly explains the scratches. Typically my nails are kept short. But surely this moment reaches on the 2015 crazy train!
DICK WAAYY TOO BIG!
Summary: I ran from the dick lol 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
Now, you know when you are texting someone back and forth talking that dirty smack. I have the tendency to turn my freak all the way up. Well this time the smack talking got me in trouble. On multiple occasions this dude warned me he was packing a lot. Swear he was exaggerating! But when I saw his package!!
My brain and vagina was waiting for my ass at the door. I was not about to run up my pussy mileage and tightness on a horse sized penis. That boy was trying to leave me permanently in a wheelchair. He whipped it out and I was literally speechless. I just started gathering my belongings as he constantly asked what’s wrong. I kept stammering I’m sorry all the way through the door lol. I feel bad about it because I wasn’t the only one part of that awkward dilemma. Hopefully that situation doesn’t haunt him at nights.
Conditioner OR Toothpaste
I have a really bad habit of staying in the shower for looong ass hours. Maybe in 2016 I’ll be more of any environmentalist and be conscious of water usage. But its a horrible habit because I will be chilling in the tub until my fingers get all pruney. Anyways I have this awesome shower set up, that allows me to watch shows. So I’ll be in no rush to get out the shower. On this specific day I was watching Kaze No Stigma (freaking love this anime!). And I was so caught up in the dialogue and storyline that instead of squirting deep treatment conditioner… I squeezed toothpaste in my hands. I was so zoned out I literally put this in my hair and put a shower cap on my head. I had toothpaste soaking in my hair for a good fifteen minutes. I was wondering why I smelt so minty fresh. I sent a picture to my friend of the disaster and within seconds she made a meme and posted it on Instagram. I was so mad at her and embarrassed.
This specific day I was just all sorts of mentally challenged. I was doing dumb things back to back. So it was really late and I was tired. I pulled up at the gas station to fill up the tank. I was just out of sync that I didn’t remember the gas tank was on the opposite side. Of course I came out the car and tried to drag the pump around. Epic Fail. I get back in the car completely thinking that I need to position the car around but instead I made a complete 360 back to the same spot and got out the fucking car. At this moment a few people watching me was already laughing. Shit I was laughing too. I got back in the car and made the same mistake again! So AWKWARD. This old man comes up to my car and asked if I was okay lol.
Probably thought I was on drugs, drunk or just retarded😂. The dumb force was strong that day!
The Karmic Universe is Petty
When I am chilling with my friends its like a roasting session. They have zero chill! Its always a party and laughter with my friends. I will never forget this day! We were at Chilis. I remember specifically getting this really delicious rice bowl and they had eggrolls. I only eat the eggrolls at Chilis. Now, at the time my friend was beefing hardcore with her ex-bf’s girlfriend. So this girl walks in the restaurant with the ex-bf. My friend was throwing mad shade! She was roasting them and I know they could hear. We are all laughing our asses off. I opened my mouth to throw shade as well. But we all know God don’t like ugly. I did not expect the karmic universe to respond so quickly and viciously. My friend had replied to what I said and I was laughing so hard, rice flew up my nostrils. I had dabbed so much pepper in my rice bowl my nostrils were flaming. Everybody at the table was dying with laughter while I was literally dying. My friends officially call me rice bowl and I am so traumatized to order another rice bowl.
These are the top five! And I am sure as the year comes to an end with my luck I will have more awkward moments.