Hello! Hola! Bonjour! Ni hao! I am sending a big smile😬 to all my gorgeous and awesome readers! Its the weekend and I hope that for everyone the weekend is starting on a high note!
Now I know that I’ve shared a lot of personal stuff on my blog. I am not self conscious or ashamed of the things I have shared. I talk about the good and the bad. The lessons I’ve learned and how I’ve grown as a person. Sometimes it takes bad situations to happen to understand the life I am living. So the fact that I’ve made horrible decisions in the name of love, indulged in drugs and failed in aspects of my life. I never regret any of it. The fact is that shit happens and life is a total bitch. But I put one foot forward and never let the past define me because with the dark clouds of disappointments, there is a rainbow filled with awesome stories I can share. So I am extremely comfortable sharing my story time and crazy rants.
But if I am being honest with myself I haven’t been vulnerable or exposed issues that I seriously think about with my readers. But today I am letting it all out and sharing one of my biggest fears.
So get ready for the full on nudity! I am about to get NAKED!
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which is basically code for my hormonal balance is all fucked up. With that said, I have to maintain a specific exercise and diet regime and live on birth control pills. If not maintained, I can have irregular periods and trouble losing any weight gained. Oh how could I forget that this comes with the potential of becoming diabetic because I have to watch my sugar intake. So if I am going through an awful break up it sucks not being able to binge eat sugary food because I could slip into a diabetic coma. Now, for all the ladies that suffer from this, don’t think you are alone. Many women actually suffer from PCOS and it’s not life threatening. So what about PCOS scares me, its the fact that it comes with fertility issues, and I fear that I may never have children of my own.
This is a genetic issues and 3 of my cousins on my Dad’s side of the family suffer from PCOS and so does my sister. Actually I only have 3 female cousins on my dad’s side, so the fact that we are all suffering is really scary. One cousin suffers from depression along with PCOS. She is struggling to lose the weight gained. She was always big but one year she faced serious adversity. She lost her job and had to sell her house. So she got really overweight. One cousin has already had a miscarriage, I am really not sure if she and her boyfriend were trying to have kids. She’s a year older than me. My other cousin has had three miscarriages which resulted in a failed marriage. The financial stress and the feeling of sex being treated as a job was probably too much for her husband because he cheated on her and now has kids with the next woman he is with. Her story scares the shit out of me! My sister and her late husband tried and also had a miscarriage. My sister has two adopted kids that I know she loves to the moon and back. But it just haunts me to know that I possibly face the same dilemma. Maybe I will be the exception…who knows…
Recently, I was joking with Jake about kids…
Side note: I tell all my friends that I don’t want kids, but when I think about it, probably this is my defense mechanism for the inevitable. I actually love kids, even have names picked out.
…So I told Jake that I didn’t plan on having kids until I was in my 40s and my 20s and 30s were strictly for enjoying my youth. He laughed and stated that I was going to give him kids; two boys and a girl. He even had the order that I was going to have them. Even though it was just banter I knew he was serious. In that moment I wanted to tell him that I potentially could not and will never have children. But I am selfish and the words refused to leave my mouth. I know our relationship is just starting but seriously how do I tell someone that I love that I probably will never be able to give them what they want. This is my biggest insecurity. It comes with the overwhelming feeling of being imperfect, not being enough or feeling less. Knowing my crazy ass I will come up with some fucked up excuse to spark a break up. As a means to giving him an out. 😳😳
I know my problem is all mental and I probably don’t need to dwell on this issue right now. But I cant help it and I know there are options; adoption, surrogate and in vitro. But just listening to Jake ramble about kids just made me hyper-conscious of my obvious defect.
This will forever be a mental hurdle for me. I need to get it out of my head that I am imperfect. In God’s image I am beautifully and wonderfully created. And whoever I am with will just have to love me with all my flaws. But at the moment this is my biggest fear.
I would love to hear from any of my readers that suffer with PCOS, especially anyone with pregnancy success stories. But I welcome all comments on the issue from anyone. Should I share this with Jake before the relationship gets serious? I would love to hear your thoughts.