LIOG…An Ass Whooping I Will Never Forget! πŸ˜«πŸ˜«

Before anyone gets on their high horse and talk about this story time is child abuse, here’s a cultural fact about Caribbean, African and Afro-American parents. They will beat their child as a form of punishment. Its just cultural and something that has been happening since the dawn of time. If a child is rude or disrespectful, they are beating their ass.

I was a little troublemaker,  usually smart and avoided getting caught. However, for this specific incident I had royally fucked up.

Now, I was in grade four when all this happened, so I guess I was 9 or 10. This is the era when Disney Channel carried shows like Lizzie McGuire, Even Stevens and Proud Family. The good stuff! The ipod was  not yet created and I rocked a CD player like a cool kid.

In my neighborhood I had two close friends. We were as thick as thieves! Stefanie lived in the house beside me, and Shane lived two houses away. We were like the Three Musketeers. We did everything together; we had our own language, hand codes, club house etc.  Let me tell you about the day that led to a one way ride to ass-whoopville.

We always hung out at Stefanie’s house because she had a fort which we used as our clubhouse. That day Shane came over all hyped because he had found his brother’s secret stash; dirty magazines, some condoms which we used as water balloons and a DVD. Stef and I wasted no time skipping through the magazines. It was nothing but vagina and sex stories. Now after we went through the magazine we were all itching to see what was on the DVD. I had gotten a portable DVD player for Christmas which was perfect because their was no way we were going to risk watching a potential porno movie at our houses. I ran back to my house and got the DVD player. Stef was reluctant to watch it because her baby sister kept peaking into the clubhouse. We figured she wouldn’t understand what was going on, so we ignored her sister. oh how fucking wrong we were! It was a Girls Gone Wild DVD, one of those spring break productions where girls basically showed their tits the whole time. We watched the DVD and I went home. In the night, Stef dad is knocking at my door to ask about the DVD. I was freaking out! With my mom I knew I was in trouble. Apparently Stefanie’s little sister kept asking what’s an orgy. So everything circled back to the DVD and dirty magazines.

When they left my house, my mom asked me to explain myself! I was sweating bullets. So to avoid an ass whooping I lied like a canary! I told her I thought it was a Home Alone DVD lol. My mom was frustrated with the situation but she didn’t beat me. She banned me from hanging out with Stef and Shane and I lost TV privileges.

Two weeks had passed and I was restless to see my friends. So I asked my mom if I could go over Stef’s house. Of course, she said no. I am in my room sulking and bitching. I thought I had enough of the punishment and she was not going to stop me from hanging with my friends. *Shaking my damn head!* We had this bird call we would do to indicate that we should meet at the clubhouse. So I heard Stef and Shane’s bird call, and I was ready to sneak out of my house. There was no way I was going to walk through my front gate. I had to escape prison break style. So I used my dad’s wire cutters and created a hole through my back fence. I decided I would  escape for just an hour.  But with all the fun I was having I lost track of the time. It was getting dark and I knew I was going to get punished. So I made my way back through the fence and tried to enter through the back door. THE DAMN DOOR WAS LOCKED!!


I walked around the front and both my parents cars were gone and the house locked up. I instantly began to hyperventilate because I knew my mom was going to skin me alive. I walked back to Stefanie’s house and told them my parents asked if I could stay with them until they came home. Complete lie but I just wanted to cry and disappear all at once.

After two hours my mom had returned home. (If I was smart I should have waited until my dad came home). It was already late, so no point sneaking in through the backyard again. I get to my house and it is dark!  I knew it was weird that the door was open and the lights were off, but I was hoping my mom had gone to bed. I opened the door and slowly stepped inside. Before I even came through the door properly I felt something connect with my back. That first slap tho!


I don’t know if it was the darkness but it left me more disoriented than normal.  My mom is yelling but I was in survivor mode. I turned around to run but my mom was blocking the door. So that was no longer an exit route. I began to run forward. But my mother had craftily rearranged all the furniture in the living room. So I can’t see shit and was stumbling over everything! My mom was like a nocturnal ninja! I felt every hit she swung at me. By the time I made it to my room I was pained up from falling over furniture which then prolonged the ass whooping. I was so mad my mom played me that I stopped crying. I knew I was in the wrong but I was hoping for a standard ass whooping, one that would allow me to actually escape. My mom outsmarted me because she got me good.

My punishment lasted waayyyyy longer, especially when they found the hole I had created in the fence.

The take home message from all this…..CHILDREN OBEY YOUR PARENTS!


3 thoughts on “LIOG…An Ass Whooping I Will Never Forget! πŸ˜«πŸ˜«

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