For my followers that read my blog, you all know I talk about everything. My life isn’t rosy and peachy or filled with rainbows and happy unicorns. I’m just a regular girl going through successes and failures like anyone else while experiencing constant self growth by learning to love myself each day.
For the past week I’ve been conflicted on a few personal aspects in my relationship. These issues have me questioning the extent to which my past has a hold on my present relationship. At times I am feeling doubtful on decisions I make in my love life and wonder if I am being selfish. I am the type of person that is big on support. Support in a relationship motivates us to grow together and achieve the goals that we’ve each set. When that level of support is one sided and I don’t get the same support from my partner, my natural response is to recoil. And I recoil for many reasons. 1.) I put up defense walls because I feel like I will slip into the old habits of being submissive. 2.) I refuse to further press the issue because I love this person 3.) I recoil to avoid the emotions of resentment that will tend to flood my thoughts.
So I’ve said in previous posts that I’ve been in an abusive relationship. It was more of a emotional abuse than physical. I had the courage to get out before the relationship had gotten to the extent in which it was violent. I know many people say if you are getting abused just get out the relationship but there is so much more into it than just your free will. It’s an emotional and psychological warfare, in which the person breaks down your self-esteem to the point where you literally think you cant do better. Love and abuse can easily mesh into one and you don’t realize when you’ve been mistreated or disrespect until you’ve been hit a few times. Then its the fear that keeps you anchored in the relationship. First year in college and I went into a relationship with a guy that was very controlling. I rarely ever speak about him because it brings up hurtful memories of what I endured for an entire year. For my freshman year I should have been out partying with friends and embracing the college life. Instead I found this controlling and manipulative person that took full control of my life. I will admit I was naïve and didn’t know better but I should have known better. My parents relationship should always be a template for the type of relationship I should be seeking to have.
The first few months of the relationship was good. Then overtime there were little mannerism that caused red flags to go off. If I told him I was going out with friends, he’d say some bullshit that he had planned a date and that he made reservations then cancel at last minute. I had lost so many friendships and that’s something I will always regret. Keep in mind I am probably 18/19 and not allowed at bars and this guy was 29. That whole relationship was a hot mess. He wanted to dictate every aspect of my life and would pull temper tantrums if I tried to defy him. To this day I will never understand why I tolerated that shit for so long. After that entire debacle I promised myself that I deserve nothing but the best. This was a situation that really made me stronger. I decided that I would never let another man dictate the decision I make in my life or bring me down to a point where I feel worthless.
Now, when I got with Jake I knew he had the tendency to be a homebody. I am the one that really takes him out of his comfort zone and do crazy and fun things. I am in no way comparing him with the abusive guy from the past. Jake is a really sweet guy. But there are small things that are making me question the relationship. This is a build up that started last week.
I am a huge foodie, so if we are going out I would love to try out new foods from different cultures. Since we’ve been together I realize we tend to eat mostly westernized food. So burgers, steak, pulled pork and ribs. I am not against these foods but I would like to go out for authentic Indian, Japanese, Chinese or Caribbean once in awhile. So on Saturday I offered to get Japanese food becuase I was really craving Shabu Shabu. If you don’t know what Shabu Shabu is, here’s a picture below.
Basically a broth with thin slices of beef. Usually tastes fresh but I ask the waiter for the black pepper, salt and that sriracha sauce and my shabu shabu is tasting awesome! But this is a meal best eaten with more than one person. He bitched the whole time about not wanting Japanese food, I even offered other options and he did not budge. He then threw subtle shade and said “Babe I am not stopping you from going and eating those foods”. I instantly dropped it because he completely missed the fact that I wanted to share the moment with him and I sensed that it was just going to spiral into an argument.
Yesterday at his place I decided to have a serious conversation about future endeavors and what I’m passionate about and the steps I am considering taking with my life. He knew I wanted to do something in a foreign country. I am always telling him I want to work and live somewhere else for a year. This specific conversation was about my decision to apply for a master’s program abroad. I wasn’t sure which country and this wasn’t a concrete decision but it was something I was passionate about doing. I was even considering teaching abroad as an option. I am at a crossroads in my life and I don’t know if I want to stay on the chemistry path. I am just trying to find myself and I see so many different paths in which I can take and its very overwhelming. What I did not expect was that Jake would be so negative towards this conversation. I started to feel guilty because he had stated I hadn’t mentioned our relationship in my plan. He said that I wanted to create distant in the relationship and that I’ve never tried to fit into his world. Then he said the ultimate thing to hurt me, “Am I wasting my time being in this relationship?” The fact that he even considered his influence in my life as a waste of time really pissed me the fuck off. I love this guy so much but I’m feeling that our differences might be the downfall to this relationship. We are great friends but adding love & sex is beginning to create tension. I was thinking about the conversation and I felt nothing but guilt. I found myself looking into grad programs closer to home and that’s when the tears came like a broken dam. It brought me back to my abusive relationship. I know relationships are filled with disagreements and arguments but in that conversation I was brought to that young Sha-Rih. Going out of my way to alter my future plans in the name of love. I needed Jake to have my back and support me but I was left feeling like shit.
Am I in the wrong? This level of guilt and hurt is clouding my judgement 😔