After months of silence, it’s time for a life update.
I’ve been finding myself for the past weeks questioning everything in my life. Asking questions such as…
What do I want from life?😩
What’s my purpose?🤔
Please God, let me go back to my younger days?🙏
The place I’m at in my life, scares the hell out of me. It’s like I’m driving blindly in a heavy snow storm and struggling just to stay on the road. Next month I will be 25 and I am literally having a mid-life crisis. I find myself having more regrets than anything else. I guess if I think about the series of events I probably should shoulder some of the blame. I had a life plan that’s not going as planned and its frustrating!😖
It was a simple life plan. Obtain a high school and undergrad degree. Apply to med school and become a forensic pathologist. Later, get married and have a few kids. I’ve been singing this anthem, to the point that I’ve had severe tunnel vision. But the older I got I realized that it wasn’t as easy as I had thought. I needed money and the odds were not in my favor. After failing to get into med school, I was in a hard place but I was fully aware it was a competitive environment and I had to want it. I was no longer sure if it was actually my calling. I started to wonder if I wanted this path because of my parents or if the fear of already failing placed a road block that I no longer wanted to cross.
So I deviated a little from my one track path and took the option to go make some money. I worked with a pharmaceutical company and actually enjoyed what I was doing but management was absolute shit! These people got my blood and soul and several overtime hours. What did they do, they decided to let me go. To say I was upset would be a complete understatement. For weeks, I was spending all my time plotting on how to bring the company down. I was just so angry with the situation, angry with myself and angry with the world. I had limited cash in my savings account, bills need to be paid. Like how the fuck was I going to survive. I spent a majority of the time wallowing and licking my wounds than seriously analyzing the situation.
It’s been almost 2 months being unemployed and I got the biggest reality check from the last person I wanted to hear it from. Freeakingg Jake! ( mhm if you don’t follow my blog, well he’s my best friend that became my boyfriend and now my ex).
I met up with Jake last week to bury the hatchet. After the disastrous break-up, so much needed to be said to release this overwhelming tension in our relationship. We had the same friends and all hung out together so we decided to be grown about everything. Plus he was my best friend before anything and I honestly missed talking to him. Our conversation randomly drifted to his new relationship and I asked if he was happy. He said three words to me and the water works started.
“she’s the one”
He was so shocked that I started crying. Shit! I was shocked that I was crying. Let me be clear, I wasn’t crying because I was bitter about him moving on or that I was heartbroken. Quite frankly I’ve come to terms that we were better as friends and will always be happy for him. But I was so lost. I kept so much in on the inside that all the pain and sadness I had bottled up came pouring out. The realization of how distant I had become hit me like a bus. I wasn’t blogging or using social media. I hardly talked to my friends. I was so far gone that all I could do was cry. Jake had a real heart to heart conversation with me. He hated to see me all broken because he knows I am not the type of person to be deterred by a little roadblock. I know I’m not that type of person, I had to get myself together. Our conversation really brought things into perspective. I can’t control everything that happens in my life. But I can focus on what I can do in the present. That way I’ll be able to live a much happier life.
I know my situation may not relate to lot of people. But for those that are in a similar situation and struggling in a dark space. I’ll finish this post by saying…
“No matter what knocks you down in life, get back up and keep going. Never give up. Great blessings are a result of great perseverance.”