LIOG… Heartbreak ❤️💔💙

I’ve always found it easy to detach myself emotionally from any relationship. I’ve watched my brother being an absolute player. Having multiple girls and using these girls. After seeing the pain that my brother caused some of these girls, I told myself I would never want to be ‘just another’ girl to a guy. So I’ve been good at keeping one foot out in a relationship. Break ups and cheating didn’t impact me because in my head I’m thinking ‘ok on to the next one’. I was doing a good job at being in a relationship without being fully invested, well until two summers ago when I experienced my first heartbreak. 😔

It was my first summer in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I was finally 21 and was about to get turnt! I wanted to do everything TN had to offer. I remember it was a weekday in the afternoon my sister, a friend and I hit a random bar. I think it was either a Wednesday or Thursday as the bar was extremely empty. Three guys were drinking and the bartender was fidgeting with the TV trying to find some sports station. My friend Bre is very fun and flirty so she came in with a lot of energy. Everybody was watching her as I made my way to one of the bar seats. I looked across from me and there was this 6″2 dark and handsome guy with an amazing smile staring at me. I was so nervous I looked to my phone quickly pretending I had gotten a text message. When I looked up back, he was on his phone. I will never forget he was wearing corporate  work wear;dress shirt with his biceps showing perfectly and his tie pulled loosely around his neck. To say I was turned on would be an understatement. My sister and Bre wasted no time and they were sitting near him chatting up a storm. I was too nervous to go over and talk. A few minutes passes by and he mentions to the bartender to get me anything I wanted. I’m not the one to pass up free booze. With all the free drinks I had to go to the bathroom, my body was trying to pass out the alcohol. I came back and there he was standing near my bar stool. He goes, ‘you are really quiet’. At the moment I was hyperventilating on the inside. And said ‘I’m just really tired’. [LIE!]. He touched my lower back and said, ‘I can tell your friends forced you out’. Honestly I knew my heart must have left my body because no words left my mouth as he walked back over to the the crazy conversation Bre was having. I beat myself up and wished I didn’t clam up around guys I liked.

A few days had passed and I was convinced I wouldn’t see this dude again. It’s Saturday night and Bre, my sister and I are pre-gaming like crazy. I was extremely tipsy before I had gotten to the club. And to my surprise he was already there. Bre had invited him. My blunt and tipsy self comes out with zero filter. He told me that he was going to take care of me tonight because he didn’t want some guy to take advantage of me. Real slick right😏. Anyways we are talking and dancing the night away. We had really random conversations as I was sobering up real fast. The club is about to close and he asks if I would come home and ‘chill’ with him. I was attracted to him but already fully conscious that I was not about to fuck this dude. So I declined and he kissed me on the cheek and left. I figured the no I shouted in his face significantly bruised his ego.

I had gotten his number and the texting started and the rest is history. I had talked and hung out with this dude the ENTIRE SUMMER. He worked in IT and was on a contracted job. He let me know he doesn’t usually stay in TN every weekend and he travels back and forth to Philadelphia. I thought nothing of this because we would always text and talk on the phone.

The day I placed my heart on the line was the day I permanently armed a ticking time bomb around it. He had cancelled our froyo date because he was sick. And I went out of my way to take care of him. I made homemade chicken soup *the canned Campbell’s soup variety* and picked up his meds at the pharmacy. I stayed with him through the vomiting and fever. I had spent the whole day and night with him. We talked a lot, played board games and cuddled while watching movies. I felt like I knew this guy. I had made breakfast in the morning. And at this point I wanted to DTR  :define the relationship. I was falling hard! In the moment he stated I was ‘his everything’. All inhibitions I had were gone that morning I gave myself fully. My heart had belonged to him.

It’s August and I was going to Jamaica for 2 weeks before school started back. I told him to come with me but I knew he had work. My whole trip I was talking with this guy. The last day of my trip I was asking if he would pick me up from the airport. He didn’t reply and the text messages went blank after that. He told me he was coming home from the bar and I know he was probably tipsy. I instantly thought the worse but honestly nothing could prepare me for what came next. The next day I came off that flight and went straight to his apartment. I knocked on the door and there was this woman. I scanned her up and down and she was fricking gorgeous. I asked for him and she angrily asked who I was . So then I replied ‘who are you??’. She’s lifts up her left hand showing her sparkly diamond ring and said “I’m the fiance!”

The time bomb had went off!

In a panic I lied about our relationship as I’m never the one to play home wrecker. I walked back into the taxi with my shattered heart knowing that I was just the other girl. The person I vowed I would never be. I’ve seen the pain that comes from heartbreak but nothing really prepares you for the guilt. I tried to play back over in my head all the memories just searching for a red flag but nothing! Each memory drills more holes in my already broken heart as I feel cheap and used. It took me a long time to realize when he said I’m his everything, he meant everything he couldn’t have and vice versa.

College was starting back and I was leaving TN with a broken heart. I deleted all contact and communication and convinced myself it was just a horrible summer fling. It still hurts when I think about but I know my worth and I know there’s someone out there that will appreciate me.

LIOG… BEAUTY CONTEST

I am a big advocate in preaching acceptance! I believe we were all created beautifully and equally.

So when I am placed in a position where someone talks negatively about another person’s appearance I get ticked off. I am definitely not all high and mighty, I’ve fallen short and found myself laughing at Instagram’s Atown and Welven. But talking negatively about their appearances does nothing but hurt feelings and in no way reflects positively to who I am as a person.

Recently I was talking with a few friend’s about our future kids. For all the guys that are probably in a relationship that are reading this, 80% of the time women talk about their future kids; how they will possibly look and what features we wish not to be dominant. Just random girl talk.

Anyways I am not opposed to how my child would look because in no way can I predict the future and I would love my child no matter what. So the conversation goes on and I stated I wanted a child with lots of hair. I am obsessed with hair length and volume. It is just a preference of mine that I am hoping my child gets. I didn’t state if I wanted my kid to have curly, wavy or kinky hair. I just said thick & long hair. So my friend commented right after, ‘well I need my kid to be light skin and pretty’ so like reflex I commented and said “well why cant you have a dark skin child that’s pretty”. She then proceeded to say that she doesn’t want her child to be ‘black like night.‘ At this moment, I am appalled but she has the right to express her opinion. My other friends jumped in and began to agree and said they only want to be with light skin men. I know everyone has a type they are physically attracted to but there is a fundamental problem when one starts to degrade another person’s complexion as ugly. We are all black girls so it is quite shocking to hear this coming from my friends. At this point in the conversation, I am just processing everyone’s views. The conversation switches. One friend mentioned an ex that was dating this darker girl. Another friend said and I quote, “I cant believe he left you for that ugly girl, she’s so black” . At this point I am livid! I quickly intervened and said don’t call her ugly, she beautiful and he obviously likes her. My other friend said, ” I cant believe he left a beautiful browning for a dark girl, his loss”. I wont lie, I am seriously considering why I am even friends with these girls. I know I am no Beyoncé and definitely darker in comparison to them. But if they think so negatively about their own race of people, makes me wonder what they think about me.

I know there is someone out there for everybody. No one was created to be alone in the world. But this negativity needs to stop. You wont find everyone appealing and attractive. But harsh words truly have consequences. Self-hate is real. We need to stop bringing down others. Someone can be truly gorgeous on the outside but extremely ugly on the inside. We need to be beautiful inside and outside.

Life is one great… Race for Acceptance

So I wanted to do a post to just talk about accepting oneself. Many of us fall victims to trying to fit into expectations set by society and feel that we need to change who we are just to feel like we belong. It’s very sad that we cant just be ourselves without any prosecution from friends or family. Its one thing to have random people bring you down but its another thing to feel like your friends and family don’t have your back. I’ve had friends that have committed suicide😔 because they’ve had no strong support group and really dealing with some inner issues about how they’ve perceived themselves. But for everyone that is self-conscious about who you are and think there’s nothing to live for just know I LOVE YOU! And you are  probably   wondering who is this 23 year old Jamaican girl that thinks she knows what I’m going through. And you are probably right! I don’t know your situation but I am seriously here for anyone that’s going through something they are struggling to handle themselves.

I’ve always considered myself to have a high self-esteem. I tend to be confident about who I am as a person but some days I can feel my inner demons surface and I’m bombarded with harsh phrases I’ve heard people, friends or family say about me. And yes, I said friends and family! My friends and family, they are as blunt as it gets! These people just keep it real all the time. I know they love me but sometimes words really hurt.

I’ve been struggling with my body image for a few years now. I use to swim competitively for literally most of my life🏊. Since I was a little tot I use to just enjoy being in the water. You know when they say you’ll gain freshman15 during college, I definitely multiplied that by 4 and got freshman60. I’m not a big eater but when exam time rolled around I would stress eat. I came home after my sophomore year and my mom basically dragged my soul. The series of fat jokes I got that summer really hurt me. So I decided to start a work out regime but I wasn’t losing the weight at all. I was at a breaking point where I wished I was bulimic. So I went to a doctor and found out I had mild POCs.

Its called Polycystic ovary syndrome which is an hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries that accumulates tiny cysts.

So along with all the other crap that come with POCS, insulin regulation was really affecting how my body was breaking down sugar. Now, I’ve altered my diet and trying to implement a stable exercise regime ( I will share my tips in a next post). But the process is slow and though this is apart of who am, I am at this point in just accepting that this is me.

I’ve seen girls so conscious about their body image do plastic surgery trying to fix something that makes them unique, all because they are told  how they look now is  unattractive. Lip injections. Breast implants. Tummy tucks. Butt Lifts. And don’t think this post was in anyway created to make anyone who’ve done these procedures feel guilty as sometimes its for medical reasons but many are cosmetic related and strongly stem because of what is considered the societal norm. Right now, the hour glass figure seems to be the most desired body look. But,a few years back it was all about ranging in a size 0-4. There is also the fit journey everyone is now on (Exercise is good, I have nothing against that). I think the situation becomes an issue when persons are ashamed of who they are. Whether I’m fat or slim, I need to look back and can say I loved myself either way.

I’ve been told I’m too dark, that I can personally tell you I don’t give a fuck what you think about my complexion. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF! I DONT GIVE TWO FUCKS!! I AM BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL! Anyone that doesn’t like it can have a seat💺. I’ve seen too many people bleaching trying to erase what I think is beautiful. Like no matter what complexion🎨you are, you are beautiful!

So for anyone that took the time to read this 🙂 Do what makes you happy, don’t feel pressured to change yourself because of what someone else thinks or says! because at the end  of the day you can only truly love yourself😘😘.